Time of my life

Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

Time is flying away!

Sometimes I feel like the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland running out of time. Thinking about how Amos is probably going to be our last baby and seeing him grow up so fast, acquiring new skills day by day and being further and further away from the newborn stage, being five months old and soon starting with solid food, which means becoming less dependent on the milk my body is producing, watching his sister becoming a little lady girl with her own mind and opinions, I feel the urge to slow time down. Time is something very precious, as have countless wise men and women observed in the past as well. And that is why its so important to be a good keeper of ones precious life time, to wisely choose what to do with it. However, the definition of "doing" may vary. We all certainly fill our time with tons of things every day, some even to the point of unhealthy habits of either workaholism or procrastination. I think the most important time of the day needs to be prayer and connection time with God. To be filled with the Spirit's power and to forge our spiritual gifts for the daily war around us should be a time important to everyone.

Today, November 6th, marks the beginning of the sixth month Amos has been born into this world. I scream: " Hold on, wait!" I wanna hold the newborn little Amos a little while longer, want to feel his little fingers, his newborn smell. But the picture is crumbling through my hands turning into sand of the past. And now, I can't remember anymore. I do not remember how it felt like to hold my newborn Junia, my newborn Amos in my arms. I do not remember the pain of labor, and even the uncomfortable moments of pregnancy are almost forgotten. But I do remember their first smile, their first giggle, their first attempt to crawl, Junias first steps, her first tooth breaking through, and the first night sleeping through. The first word. Beautiful memories, although some may be forgotten for now, they certainly influence us today so that we can look forward.

Last week we were on vacation for the first time as a family of four and we must be crazy nuts lovers of history to be visiting one castle and two museums with two children. It was an adventure of travelling back in time! A pretty great one most of the time anyway. We visited the house-museum of a writer called Karl May, who was and is one of the most popular German writers. We went into the castle of the old Saxonian kings and queens that was turned into a museum showing the abundant treasures of the past. Like huge jewels, rubies, diamonds, ivory dust catcher stuff, silver plates, gold bling bling things, glasses from pure quartz, interesting things made from ostrich eggshells, cutlery with coral handles, and so on and it was only a fraction of what was once the treasure of the royalty of Saxony. Most was either destroyed or stolen during or after the second world war. For art lovers it would be the perfect place to go. Them artists did not have TV and smartphones and internet and all those annoying little time eaters/fillers yet, therefore they had time to produce beautifully crafted artwork and to refine their skills. Truly breathtaking. In the past we also lost some of that, some of the old knowledge of things, natural remedies against sicknesses, even whole cultures and their wisdom. Leather wallpaper, for example. Or a whole bedroom made out of feathers. No kidding.

Today was Harrys first day of work with a slightly changed schedule. Before the holidays he was only working in the school almost next to us but from today on he will be also working a few hours in another school from the same employer a bit further away and with a bit more challenging students, some coming from a quite harsh and challenging environment. Those hours will be deducted from the hours for the other school so he hopes and prays that he will still have enough time to actually catch up with the students and put time into relationships. His boss is looking more onto numbers whereas Harrys heart beats for the "christian from birth and family" kids, and the ones who recently decided to follow Jesus. He desires to help them deepen and strengthen their faith, understanding of scripture and relationship with the Lord. Pray that he may have time for such important work even though his new schedule seems to be more challenging at first glance.

Last week also marks our first anniversary of living in Brandenburg apart from big old Berlin. And we are loving every second of it. We truly feel called to this area that used to lie behind the iron curtain. The area that is supposedly the most atheistic one in Germany. The area where religion was seen as something entirely unpleasant, the area where political leaders decided that God does not exist. Different people with the gift of prophesy are seeing an upcoming revival of faith in this area. Gods good news is going to drop into the ocean of unbelief and make huge waves that will spread across the whole region like a Tsunami. Peoples' faith will experience a revival and God is gathering us people of faith right now to pray. It is exciting but again, adversity - or the enemy -  wants to harass and to steal our joy, to kill our faith and to destroy our families and churches. So please join us in the war against the evil forces of the world with prayer.

Ephesians 6:10-18:
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Ms Clara from the movie "war room":

"I find myself amazed that of the many battles we engage in today, be it money, control, or matters of the heart, very few of us know how to fight the right way, or to understand who we're really fighting against.

To win any battle, you've got to have the right strategy and resources, because victories don't come by accident.

See, you're fighting the wrong enemy! Now, your husband certainly has his issues, but he is not your enemy. When I fought against my husband I was fighting against my own marriage and my family. Now I tried for years to fix my husband but I couldn't do it."

"Well I've gotten anywhere with my husband."

"Cause its not your job! Who said that it was your responsibility to fix your husband? Its your job to love him, to respect him and to pray for the man. God knows he needs it. And men don't like it when their women are always trying to fix them. You got to plead with God so that he can do what only he can do. And then you got to get out of the way and let him do it!There is no room for you and God on the throne of your heart. Its either him or its you. You need to step down. Now, if you want victory, you gonna have to first surrender."

"But, do I just back off and choose to forgive and let him walk all over me?"

"God is a good defense attorney, trust it to him. And then you can turn your focus to the real enemy. The one that wants to remain hidden. The one that wants to distract you and deceive you and divide you from the Lord and your husband. You see, that's how he works. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. And he is stealing your joy, he is killing your faith, and he is trying to destroy your family. If I were you, I would get my heart right with God. And you need to do your fighting in prayer and you need to kick the real enemy out of your home with the word of God! Its time for you to fight, its time for you to fight for your marriage, its time for you to fight the real enemy, its time for you to take off the gloves and do it!"

To be induced (or not)

To be induced or not...

Amos Jovan.

Born on June 6th, 2017.
53 cm long.
3372 grams of sweetness.

Amos, "the bearer of burdens". Amos, the Judean old testament prophet and former farmer fighting against social injustice in Israel. How important it still is to fight for social justice today! It brings a piece of new (perfect) earth to our old (fallen) earth. We wanted our children to have names from people they can look up to.
Jovan, the Serbian version of John, meaning "God is merciful". There was war between Serbia and Croatia about 20 years ago. "Why a Serbian name?!", asked my parents in a very hostile tone. "Because it is time for peace and reconciliation between the nations.", I said. True, I never fought in the front lines, never experienced the meaning of this war because I was too small to fully understand back then. However, this war did affect me. We moved to Berlin and I grew up without my father because he lived (and fought) in Croatia. Going through part of my childhood and my teenage years and all important events without him is a scar that is always going to be there. It was healed by God a long time ago but it still stings a bit from time to time when the weather changes. Today, we are still working on establishing and deepening our relationship and-thank God for Whatsapp! And for peace!
Jesus speaks:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

(Matthew 11:28-30)

Although Amos means "bearer of burdens", in the end God is actually and mercifully carrying our burdens...

"There you are finally!", were the first words I spoke to our son face to face. Boy, did he let us wait only to really hurry up in the end! For 12 days we experienced agony, fear, joy, were annoyed, went from patient waiting in the Lord to restlessness and back. The estimated birth date was May 24th so those 12 days felt very long in the end. Especially I, as the pregnant part of our family, was physically so done being pregnant! The doctors pressured us into inducing labor only three days after the estimated date of delivery even though there were no indicators of danger. From that point on we had to go for a check up every day. Every day they checked everything and said that everything was fine, the baby still got enough nutrients and I was feeling well. But every day I had to sign a paper saying that I was acting (up) on my own risk... one doctor informed us about all the risks of post-term delivery but she was doing her job of informing the "patient" about the risks a bit too well for our taste. I bet the reason why Amos was indeed a bit post-term was all that stress in the hospital!!! Stress is a known suppressor of contractions/ certain hormones in the body. Anyway, I came across a very well written article about the topic from an Australian PhD midewife, which encouraged us to let little Amos decide on his own date of birth: https://midwifethinking.com/2016/07/13/induction-of-labour-balancing-risks/ There were also quite a number of other people, including other doctors and midwives, who God led into this fragile time of our life to support and encourage us. Personally, I was very encouraged by the verse "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9). And yes, we are incredibly thankful to our God to have led us through all waiting, laboring and birthing with love and compassion. It is such an incredible feeling and experience to give birth to a small human being. It is one of those experiences in life one cannot fully wrap ones mind around nor find words that are good enough to describe it. Co-creation. What a wonderful gift God gave us with such desire. And still, behind the scenes works a force much more creative than anyone of us could ever be. We just look at the tiny fingers and the even tinier fingernails, the little feet, small, curious looking eyes, the funny 100 faces a newborn is making while wandering back and forth from the real to the dream world, the little but fast beating heart, the cute naked little butt, the knowledge, and sense of smell as to where and how finding milk, this little creature full of life, of science, of wonder.

Loved.
Wanted.
Wished for.
A thought of God.
Planned by Him...

So for those of you who are like me and totally love and enjoy listening to birth stories here is our short second birth experience. I am actually thinking of collecting birth stories from women and publish them somehow at some point because I can never get enough of them and am very fascinated by them. So if you want to share yours let me know. :-)

Thursday, June 1st, 2017. Around 11 pm. After 1,5 weeks of contractions going off and on now constant contractions that are on repeat and getting regular. No way of sleeping through them. In order to not wake up other co-sleepers I retreat into our guestroom and read a magazine with interesting articles while breathing through the contractions. Is labor starting finally? Trying to recall the past experience with Junia. But I am getting extremely tired and just want to sleep and not labor!

Thursday, June 1st, 2017. Around 3 am. Ongoing contractions. Maybe now its time to call our friend for babysitting Junia. Oh, and to wake up Harry as well. After all, he has to drive.

Thursday, June 1st, 2017. Around 5 am. In the car. Almost at the hospital. So sleepy. Contractions are somehow... getting weaker, maybe?

Thursday, June 1st, 2017. Around 7 (or 8?) am. After walking around in the hospital for nearly two hours we decide to hit the maternity ward for a check up. Contractions irregular. Check up shows an open cervix of one cm. We agree to walk outside for another two hours and to come back for another check up again. Still incredibly tired.

Thursday, June 1st, 2017. Around 10.30 am. Another check up. Contractions still visible on the machine but not feelable. Cervix still only one cm open. It takes ten to let the human out. Sigh. We go home and will need the next three days to recover from that sleepless night. Sigh.

Friday, June 2nd, 2017. 10.30. Check up at my gyn. Everything is well, she said. As long as everything is ok we can continue going for check ups without inducing.

Saturday, June 3rd, 2017. 10.30. Met yet another really cool and encouraging doctor at the check up in the hospital. He is not a friend of inducing labor, he said, and the same sentence as my gyn on Friday. He was so pleasant I'd see myself sitting with him in the cafeteria over coffee sharing jokes. Won't write the jokes he told me down here because they are kind of embarrassing. Lets just say they were about the conception date of our child. So such really cool doctors with a sense of humor like in the Scrubs series do exist in real life. Wow.

Monday, June 5th, 2017. 3.30 pm. Check up break. Enjoying the holiday of Pentecost by taking a long and nice walk with family and the neighbors kids, which helps to clear my mind. We are meeting friends along the walk who just started making their own honey and try some pieces of wax covered in delicious honey. Later, we find out that Junia lost her sunglasses somewhere. I go back to look for them under my umbrella. Its raining cats and dogs but I find them eventually in the wet playground grass. A nice walk through the rain helps me to clear my mind again and to surrender all doubts and frustration to Him.

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017. 3.45 am. Contractions throw me out of bed and onto my feet again. I am walking around the apartment breathing through them. After an hour or so I take a long, hot shower to see if the contractions disappear or not. Somewhere I read about this method being a good test to see if contractions are leading into labor or are just the pre-labor "exercise" contractions for the body. Well, they do not go away but as I am getting more relaxed they also seem to get weaker. Outside the world is awakening slowly in the dawn. I hear the birds starting to sing their morning songs. It looks like it is going to be a bright and pleasant sunny day.

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017. 6.30 am. I am cleaning some stuff and preparing breakfast. Contractions are still present and I have to pause sometimes and breath through them while being very focused. Cleaning some more stuff around the house. Junia and Harry are still asleep. I think this is definitely the same situation I was in about 3 and a half years ago before Junia came. Cleaning and tidying up frantically anything that's out of order and breathing through contractions. Harry is scuffling out of our bedroom with a sleepy face. I say that maybe labor is starting (but am still kind of suspicious because of the false alarm last week). He looks at me and says "I am going to lay down for a bit more."

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017. 7 am. Junia is awake and ready for some food. We sit down and a few minutes later Harry joins us. We eat breakfast, help Junia to get ready for daycare, and decide to go to the hospital after dropping her off. Packing up a few more things we'll need for the hospital.
Harry is scuffling out of our bedroom with a sleepy face. I say that maybe labor is starting (but still have no high hopes because of the false alarm last week). He looks at me and says "I am going to lay down for a bit more."

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017. 8.30 am. Junia reaches daycare by car and we tell her that our friend may pick her up later because the baby could come today. She is very excited and happy. We drive off towards hospital. We are very calm and have nice conversations about all kinds of things. I am still waiting for the contractions to stop like last time. But they don't.

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017. 9.30 am. Since I still have contractions we go straight to the maternity ward. Out of all three labor rooms we get the smallest one without a tub. I was planning to give birth in the water. So much for that. Oh well, at least the check up shows a cervix opening of 3 cm. That's some progress from last time! Still, it could take hours for the cervix to dilate all 10 cm in order to have enough space for the baby to come out... half an hour on the machine, half an hour of walking around in the tiny room. First, I thought the pain was more intense because I had to lay down for half an hour in order to record Amos' heartbeat and the intensity of the contractions. But walking around was as much painful as laying still. Harry was sitting there in his chair, pouring coffee for himself. He had turned on our labor music playlist but I don't really pay any intention to it now. The sun shining into the room makes the window look so bright! I am walking back and forth without having too much space and holding myself onto something during a contraction. Now I know how a trapped animal in a cage must feel like. At the same time I do not want to go out walking around on the floor outside of the fish can room.

Now I have to lay down again for the machine and hate it. Just let me walk! Both doors of the room are wide open! I ask Harry to close them as kindly as a woman in labor can ask. Helloo, I am not giving birth in a subway! I need my little cave. The doctor on duty is a thin, small woman with a huge dreadlocks head bundled up in a bun named "Dr. Cheerful". We have seen her s few times before here and I found her nice just because I like her having dreadlocks despite her profession. That screams character. The midwife is a woman I do not know and have never seen before when coming to the check ups. She is nice though. Unfortunately, the insurance to guide women in labor became so expensive for self-employed midwifes in Germany that they either gave up their profession or (like the midwives in this hospital) are employed in a hospital. In both cases one can choose a midwife/doctor for guidance before and after giving birth but has to go to the hospital. At least in the are we live in. This hospital is reached by car within half an hour. The next birthing center that has midwives who can somehow still afford the whole pregnancy-birth-aftermath package is 1,5 hours away by car. And we truly did not want to tell our son that he was born on some highway somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Although the name "Lauchhammer" is also kind of odd (Lauch=porridge, and you know what a hammer is I suppose). 

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017. 10.30 am. I lay there and within 10 minutes the contractions go from phewww to WHOAAAAA!!! Okay... what in the world was that??? The midwife clearly speaks the language of groaning laboring women and enters the room to check the cervix again. 7-8 cm open... wait WHAT? After just an hour (it took about 5 to 6 last time)??? Before I can indulge in my surprised amazement I have to bite into the pillow because contraction. And suddenly I am overwhelmed and overrun with the urge to push while still laying there and being attached to the machine and feel the head crowning. No. Not this time. I am not giving birth in a horizontal position again like last time! I want to make this job of letting my child wander into the big world easier with the help of my little friend gravity and prevent tearing like last time where I needed some stitching, was bleeding badly and could not walk or sit well for weeks. So I miraculously manage to get on all four between two pushing urges. The midwife asks me something about whether to pop the amniotic sac because it did not break yet. Then she says that it broke at some point without us noticing it. Even more than before I am nowhere near ratio town and do not respond at all. It feels like someone is asking you the answer to a complicated mathematical equation while you are trying to let a basketball pop out of your body through a golf-sized hole while enduring the most painful pain you have ever experienced in your life. What a fuuun ride! Women in labor would actually buy all that stuff they are selling on those marketing TV channels.

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017. Some time between 10.30 and 10.55 am. In a blur I feel how my body is naturally and without any extra pushing aid from me delivering our son into a bigger, brighter world. When Amos' head comes out I feel an amount of pain I have never felt before, not even within Junias birth and soon I will know why. He did not have a big head, no (maybe a blockhead, we'll see later). The amniotic sac was actually still in tact so I guess that was the reason for the pain. Since babies often breathe in for the first time as soon as the head is out, the midwife has to pop it so he would not breathe in amniotic fluid but air. So Amos Jovan Mueller was born with what we call here a "Glückshaube" (lucky hat). Later, the doctor told me that they see such a birth about once a year in the hospital. If it would have been left intact, we could have actually seen how Amos was protected by the sac while laying in there. There is a photographer who took some amazing shots during such births. Google it. They are incredible.

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017. 10.55 am. Done. After Amos' head was out with one push and freed from amniotic sac and fluid and the rest is children's play and done with one more (natural) push. I am picking up our son from the bed and he starts nursing right away. Or at least tries to. I am laying there and he is not really able to nurse properly because he rolls off to the side all the time from my belly that is still kind of big. He lets us know how upset he is about that. Now the real hard work begins: Raising. Can't always get what you want in life right away, kiddo. Delayed gratification.
The midwife puts pressure onto my belly so that the placenta can be born faster than waiting for it to come out naturally. It is an intervention but on the other hand it prevents bad bleeding and ratio is still gone somewhere so I am not able to go against it like I did with the birth position. I am still amazed how the rational decision making and thinking is just... gone when giving birth. I am so focused on other things and run on instinct only, which works quite well for such time. However, I am still happy to be surrounded by people with a normal functioning brain who prevent me from buying stuff on the marketing TV channels.

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017. After 10.55 am. I am screaming again. Nope. No twin surprise. There was a small tear that needs stitching and I am not sure what that lady of a doctor did with the anesthetic syringes but they DO NOT WORK. So this is how it feels like being stitched up without any pain drugs. One can feel every sting with the needle and how the thread goes through ones tissues. It is an interesting experience but since it is almost as painful as giving birth I do not wish to repeat it in the future. Amos is being checked up by the pediatrician. He is doing awesome but has one clear sign of being a post-term baby: Skin that is peeling off. Other than that he got an Apgar score of 10/10.

We are in the labor room for another two hours before I get up only to lay down in a bed waiting for me outside on the floor. Amos is still cuddling skin to skin with me under the blanket and we are being driven into our room, which feels really awkward. I'd rather walk since I feel all right. But since ratio is still on holidays I just let them do whatever. Harry went away to do something I now cannot remember anymore but comes back with red roses, sweets and an organic lemonade I like to drink. This, I still remember very well. We celebrate Amos' birth in the two-beds room, which is only occupied by us right now. We Salut with rice-coconut milk and sweets, take first family pictures and just enjoy the moment. We cuddle, and pray over Amos and thank God for such a smooth and fast ride in the birth rollercoaster. Indeed, it was a bit too fast for my taste and personality and from now on I will need the next days to process everything. The excruciating pain, the fast progress of labor and of giving birth. After all, my brain is still somewhere out there pasturing green grass and waiting for labor to start. Oh well, it'll cope eventually.

So that's our birth experience from the mom's perspective in a nutshell. The following weeks till now were a rollercoatser ride of happiness, changing hormones, frustration, happy/sad tears (mine), getting used to have two children from now on and to give both enough time and attention, new/no routine, a fussy baby with stomach aches and how to help him, a cute baby who does funny things and faces. I had to learn to rest even though I physically felt pretty good three days after giving birth. And we are still on the adjusting track right now. Work has been busy and challenging for Harry, I am still emotionally unstable after I've put too many things onto my plate. So now you have a few more reasons to pray for us! Thank you for that. Because everything should start with prayer. :-)